Especially since New Year's is such an arbitrary thing, and self-improvement and self-examination should be a constant and consistent process. It shouldn't be something we (I) do just as calendar rolls over to the next year. I mean - really? How many people actually keep their resolutions? How many people make serious and significant changes that stick, just based off a tradition that doesn't make a lot of sense when you look at it empirically?
It's sorta like deciding that you're going to fix everything about your life, one item at a time, one year at a time. If you're actually successful, you might actually have made some progress about the time you're stuck in the old folks' home, mainlining prune juice and praying you can remember the names of all the relatives who never come to visit you.
Hell, even if you make and stick to multiple resolutions a year, it still doesn't end up making sense. Why do people only seem to really want to change their lives as the new year starts? Okay. I get the whole idea of 'starting over with a clean slate' - but you really don't. All we really do is take a deep breath and hope that the next year is better than the year before it, despite that fact that all the problems we had in 2011 are still going to be there in 2012 - along with all the problems we haven't seen yet.
Yeah, yeah - I know. Old man Jayiin doesn't get it. What else is new? I rarely get it.
So, onto the part of this you've been dreading since my last New Year's post. Mostly, because I don't have many New Year's traditions (seeing as how I'm crap at holidays), so I might as well stick to the one I have and enjoy the fact I'm able to write something coherent in this blog once a year.
2011 was a year. I turned 31 and enjoyed the fact no one's taken a hit out on me yet.
I spent most of 2011 sick or injured, or recovering from being sick or injured. I've never been this consistently tired and worn down. Kidney stones, hives, my first real migraines in years, sinus issues and more versions of sinus infections and stomach bugs than I'd thought possible. I have to take an immense amount of Prednisone; I've gained weight and my diet has been so bad even I think it's appalling. I've barely written a thing (again) and I'm more behind than ever.
To say nothing of car troubles, two broken desk chairs (and when the first one broke, it took me with it). I'm deeper in debt, my fibromyalgia and arthritis are worse than ever. I'm terrified than by the end of 2012, I won't be physically able to work the sales floor at work anymore, despite the fact I'm only out there one day a week.
Even worse? I've had to give up drinking tea, coffee and energy drinks, which were my only real defense against the fatigue of the fibro.
I know. I'm a terrible human being because I don't like drinking plain old water. Yes, I should get over it and drink plain water. But I just don't like it. It's boring.
So I've reverted to drinking Sprite and missing Sprite Berryclear Remix. Which is high fructose corn syrup - tasty, but terrible. I don't like most fruit juices and just about everything else I want to drink is just as horrific for me. And being allergic to Splenda, aspartame and a lot of other artificial sweeteners means that most diet drinks are out of the questions.
I'm going to try to learn to drink plain water. Don't hold your breath, though. I'm probably going to fail and continue to find a way to consume sugar-laden beverage in a way that won't cause more kidney stones or make me wish I was going to die.
I feel like I've been surrounded by strife even more than normal this year. There are people at work who make me want to headdesk and facepalm and go on violent rampages - and this is a new thing for working at Dlair. But then again, I've also never managed to learn healthy ways to deal with extreme passive aggression, despite (or maybe because of?) having grown up being subjected to toxic and soul-poisoning levels of it. I've had good friends get divorced, good friends move away. My mother's passive aggressive manipulation of everyone around her started anew with Christmas, just when I thought things had really taken a turn for the better.
Yeah. I should have known better. I should have known she was just biding her time, waiting for the right moment to strike and unbalance us all, putting us firmly back under her thumb.
Here, at the end of the year, I feel like I've lost my mojo. I've lost my focus, misplaced my determination and my brain is drifting away from the rest of my me more often than not. And my temper - my center and my calm - my zen - has been less certain than any other time since high school.
I can hear some of y'all now, getting all riled up at me. I'm always writing negative crap about my life and never talking about all the good stuff. That my New Year's blogs are always cynical diatribes railing against the world around me - a world which could be much, much worse, right?
I could argue that I call it like I see it. I could mutter and grumble about not being an optimistic, positive person. But that would all be a whole lotta hypocritical bullshit, because I'm the guy always quoting my favorite Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn: "Your focus determines your reality."
So yeah. There it is. My focus apparently sucks. Admittedly, some of it has to do with this time of the year. It's no secret that I hate Christmas and the holiday season and I end up writing these blogs after having been exposed to several weeks of what my brain interprets as deeply negative stimulus - meaning by the time the new year rolls around, I'm a cranky fucking Grinch who wants nothing more than to rant, rave and rail against all that is the western winter holiday season.
Right, then. What happened in 2011 that was good? Well - I'm still with my girl and she's living with me now, away from her family - which is, if anything, so much more psychically toxic than mine that my family actually looks functional and healthy by comparison. This is a thing beyond all awesome - and is the best relationship I've ever been in. I'm sure it says something terrible about me that she's a decade younger than me, but I'm not sure I really care, because I'm happier with her than I've been in a very, very long time. Maybe ever.
I'd go into more depth about how awesome she is, but I'll save that for Valentine's Day or some other arbitrary holiday-cum-utterly incomprehensible socially obligatory occasion.
I reconnected with one of my best, closest friends - my foster brother from middle school and high school walked into the store earlier this year - with his wife! - and I've been down to San Antonio to see him several times. (In fact, I have a lot of friends down here, including one I haven't had the chance to meet in person. I'm very much looking forward to my next trip down there.)
This, also, has been a thing beyond all awesome. I feel like I got a part of myself back; JAH is a guy who knows me better than anyone else, despite not having talked or spent time together for about ten years. He's still a crazy son of a bitch and a mad genius who (if he gets his way) is going to change the entire world.
I managed to need (and acquire) a new computer after my faithful Asus Netbook died, thanks to a good buddy of mine. This new computer, while weak sauce compared to the beast machines most of my friends keyboard jockey from, is the most powerful and reliable computer I've ever owned. (Gateway doesn't always suck. Who knew?)
The 3rd Annual Webcomics Rampage which ended up with my face in a Hijinks Ensue comic. There was much awesome involved in Webcomics Rampage and I really should write about it in its very own blog, but I probably won't. Because (as per usual) I fail.
I also managed to scrape together enough money to buy a new Kindle Fire - which is also awesome. As if my regular Kindle wasn't enough of an addictive time sink. That many books right at my fingertips...it's a terrible, wonderful thing. I can invert the text color and read white words on a black background, meaning I'm reading even more than I usually do. Which may, in fact, partially account for my lack of writing.
I made my annual sabbatical journey to the mystical and magical land of Seattle, Washington to visit my brother and his ladyfriend and spent a good ten days or so doing as much of nothing as I could. It was freakin' fantastic. I came back and promptly was assaulted by kidney stones, resulting in me spending the week of Thanksgiving pissing out sharp fucking rocks and alternating between debilitating pain and being stoned out of my gourd on pain meds.
I've even managed to (somehow) develop an actual social group. I'm not sure if it's a form of cancer or something good yet, but I'm really not used to it. It's been about ten years or so since I've had an actual steady social group. We even do things like go out to eat, hang out on a semi-regular basis and are talking about starting an actual, honest-to-Gork RP group, in which I will be running my Silver Gryphons campaign.
I'm not sure how to balance a social life with everything else I want/need to do, though. I'm having trouble with that, which may be part of why I feel so harried and behind right now.
I've also managed to get my act together enough to start going to church on a regular basis again - which again, is more exposure to people and more social interaction. I'm worried that I'm going to hit some kind of limit on social interaction with people before to long and revert back to my hermit-like existence and ruin the whole 'social group' thing, but we'll see how it goes.
I've also developed an interest and enjoyment of professional wrestling (WWE only) and go to visit Kelly Dawn and her boyfriend for most Pay-Per-View events, which are usually the highlight of my month, because it's the most low-key fun I have these days.
I've also managed to plow through quite a bit of my non-writing to-do list during 2011. I've been oddly productive, actually, and a lot of my tasks are now maintenance kinda things instead of massive projects looming over my head. I still have a few bigger projects, but I feel more confident about being able to knock them out. Most of that productivity was possible because of my girl and her willingness to help me slog through the list and help me not stay on bottom-dead-center this past year. I'm hoping that is a trend that continues and doesn't stop.
Not only did I get a lot of my own stuff done, but my Dad finally got around to getting some of the remodeling done on our trailer...erm, house - we now have a handicap accessible bathroom and shower for Mom and a ramp/deck at the front door. We're looking at some serious re-arranging and re-structuring of the innards of the house, in terms of furniture and who lives/sleeps where, which is both necessary and good, though it is a January project I'm not exactly looking forward to. I've had to request time off work to really get started on it, but I can't say as though it's not something I'll be glad to have done. With any luck, all that work will give me a chance to get some of my other projects knocked out.
I really, really wish I'd had time/energy/determination to write more this past year. I have no shortage of ideas (even a major breakthrough on the Katheryn story - probably the biggest breakthrough I've had on it. Ever.) and I have enough time; I just need to work harder at not letting myself burn away my free time by surfing the internet or staring off into space. I do way too much time-wasting as it is.
What do I want to do in 2012?
- Write more. Write like a fucking madman. Fanfic, blogging, reviews, stories - just write.
- Finish sorting all my computer files
- Finish organizing and sorting my music - including actual playlists.
- Try to exercise. Not likely, but, still... (Just like everyone else.)
- Work on my diet. (Just like everyone else.)
- Finish the last of my organizational projects - there are only a few left
- Avoid being sick/hurt all the time. Especially no more hives.
- Read more.
- Write more.
Will I actually get any of this done? Possibly. Possibly not. Who knows?
Though, on the topic of writing, I've decided to start off 2012 with an incentive to write. My buddy JM and I are in a Word Count Challenge - 500 words a day from January 1 - January 30. Whoever does the worst at the end of the challenge has to pay a forfeit. If I lose, I will have to find the time to go to his apartment, sit down at his computer, and play a MMORPG. In particular, I have will have to create a character for Star Wars: the Old Republic and play for at least an hour after character creation.
Given my feelings on MMORPGs, this is not a fate I relish.
I haven't lost a Word Count Challenge to date; I don't intend to start now. I do hope, however, this challenge will give me the momentum I need to write and keep writing throughout the year instead of just during NaNoWriMo.
So...happy new year? Or something like that.
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