2011

This post brought to you a week late by computer failure, utter exhaustion and insane amounts of work.

I am thirty years old.

It's odd how much that surprises me. It's almost like I didn't expect I would make it this far - that somehow, reality would somehow stop and I wouldn't turn thirty. I can't even claim I didn't see it coming because eighteen months ago, I was pretty worried about turning thirty.

Why (w)angst over it? Because I'm supposed to! Didn't you know? Thirty is the beginning of 'middle age' and soon that slow, inevitable decline into decrepitude will begin. The fun, good part of life is ending!

Or, so I'm told.

Yeah. I call bullshit.

I once wrote about the new year being an arbitrary starting over point; most age milestones are the same thing. I often call it 'magic number theory' - the idea, propagated by popular culture and social conventions, that having lived a specific amount of time automatically confers necessary knowledge, wisdom and skills.

It's especially apparently supposed to be a bit like leveling up in a video/computer/role-playing game. There will be a cool sound effect, some lights, maybe some sparkles and - boom! - you just suddenly know and understand. When you hit the magic number, you suddenly grok life.

(Of course, when you hit this arbitrary benchmark and you don't suddenly get new knowledge, wisdom and skill, you can't very well admit to everyone else you didn't get your level up, now can you? After all, they obviously did. It is most imperative and important that you pretend, because no one should know you don't have it all figured out yet. But only for a little while, because surely next year will be the magic number!)

Just for the record - thirty is not my magic number.



Thirty may not be my magic number, but it is the first birthday I've ever immediately felt different upon reaching. I don't mean that I suddenly feel more knowledgeable or wise - but I do have the overwhelming realization that I have been alive three decades. I am suddenly hyper-aware of all that I have not accomplished.

I say that - but 2010 was incredibly successful. Last year, I wrote about wanting to live legendary, to go out and do and I've done better about going out and doing in 2010 than I ever have before. I travelled more, met more people, expanded my horizons, taken serious personal and professional risks and even fell in love with a girl. Who, miraculously, loves me back.

On the other hand, I haven't spent nearly as much time with my friends and family here in Austin as I should have - and I have not written nearly enough.

[Insert appropriate dramatic pause of acceptable and dramatic length.]

This is the part of my start-of-year blog post when I talk about all my resolutions to fix the mistakes I made last year. Except, I don't like the word 'resolution.' Congress 'resolves' things. So does the UN. And they are the butt of more jokes than even geek culture and (depending on who you ask) don't really accomplish much. And the point of this post is to talk about what I want to accomplish.

So no resolutions. Instead, I'm going to think in terms of goals.

I have had success at setting goals this past year. I've gotten much more aware of my limitations than I think I ever have been and the goals I've set have been set with those limitations in mind.

I know some of you hate it when people talk about having limitations. Some folk I know get really, really (and wrongfully) upset with folk with disabilities talk about 'working within their limits.' Apparently, (some) folk believe the only way to be successful is to overcome limitations and do more than you thought you could.

I've discovered that this can be a very self-defeating line of thought. You can accomplish more than you thought you could; you can achieve anything you set your mind to - but sometimes, you have to respect the limitations you've been set.

Dictionary.com's first definition of limit is: "the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure, etc."

There are, I think, two kinds of limits. The kind that are real and the kind we put on ourselves. I have a lot of both. Until recently, I didn't play video games, outside of the occasional bout of Bookworm or Bejeweled to clear my head. I hate being bad at things and I know from experience that between poor depth perception and dyslexia, video games are difficult for me.

Frankly, I suck at them.

My girlfriend loves Pokemon. In some ways, Pokemon is to her what Star Trek is to me. She's been amazing, diving headfirst into a lot of things I'm passionate about, going so far as to read the first five Harry Potter books so she could read HPU and is reading quite a bit of katheryn story. She's visually impaired and reading is hard for her. She's gotten involved in Zoids and role-playing and all sorts of things just to be a part of the things I'm doing.

So when I went to Seattle to see my brother this November, I bought myself a Nintendo DSi and Pokemon SoulSilver. She told me I couldn't buy her anything, much less anything expensive - despite the fact I'd saved up money just so I could. However, she didn't say I couldn't buy myself something nice. So I bought something that would let me share one of the things she's really into.

I still suck at video games, but I can play Pokemon and share something with her - I had to throw off a limit I had set myself because I hate being bad at things.

Yes. I pretty much suck at the game, but it's fun sharing something with her.

I can't play for hours at a time, because it makes my hands hurt - I cannot overcome this limit, because my hands hurting are a warning that I'm starting to damage my joints. (I'm going to buy a DSiXL, which is larger and will hopefully be easier on my hands.)

(A lot of my posts talk about my fibromyalgia and arthritis - it's hard not to write about or think about, because these conditions (even more so than my obesity) define some of my limits, especially my physical ones.)

I need to lose weight, but I can't do a lot of high-impact exercise. I can't afford to join a gym, but I can do low-impact walking and other exercise here at home - and I'm trying. Weight loss will be slower than with exercise better geared for it, but I can still exercise.

I can exercise and get healthier, I just can't do it in what is considered the most efficient and effective method. I respect my limits, but I still find a way to accomplish what I want to accomplish.

Before this year, I lived under the delusion that I could overcome some of the things I can't and when I tried and failed, I was very discouraged and ended up not wanting to try anymore.

When I set goals for myself that respect my limitations, I end up making a lot of progress. I went walking; I slowly cut down how much I eat.

Maybe this makes me a coward for not standing up and saying 'RAWRR! I IGNORE MY ISSUES AND DO ANYTHING!, but I don't think so. I think it makes me wise enough to work around my limitations.

So my goals for 2011? Continue what I started doing in 2010, but write more, see my friends and family more often, and take better care of myself.

• WRITE MORE: Time and energy are limited. I'm not setting myself a goal like blogging every night or writing 1000 words a day that would either mean sacrificing all the other things I've worked for or end up being impossible on the nights I'm feeling horrible.

Instead, I plan to blog at least once a week and write on one of my stories at least once a week, even if it's just for half an hour or so. Though this is not the pace I need to set to be a professional writer, it's a start - and it's better than setting an impossible goal and not writing at all. Which is pretty much what I've doing this past year.

I'm going to try to journal more and jot more notes down as I go; I get lots of good ideas when I can't do much with them, but I can start writing down enough thoughts on the ideas that I don't lose them. This one will be the

• PEOPLE: This is probably the hardest goal I've set for myself. I don't really have a day off anymore, since I started taking my mother to her appointments on Wednesdays and I go to church on Sunday. However, I can try to call people more, find times during the week to hang out for just dinner or a movie or just meet at a (blech!) coffeehouse and catch up. Most of my friends live in far south Austin or San Antonio, whereas I live just north of Austin. I'll manage - but gas money and time will be a real constraint.

At least once a month, I will find time to see someone I haven't seen for awhile. If I have to save my pennies for a couple extra tanks of gas or skip out on something else I want to do that costs money, I will.

I'm also going to get better about reading and commenting on people's blogs and facebook - it's not the same as face-to-face contact, but it's a good step. Social contact is hard for me, for a lot reasons, but it's something I need to do. I have a lot of people who are good friends to me, but I haven't been a very good friend to this past year. Sorry, y'all.

• ME: There are a lot of things I need to do to take better care of myself and a lot of them are small. I can find time to walk more, do more exercise at home, buy/cook less food, pay more attention to my physical condition - instead of just assuming I'm going to feel like crap no matter what I do, I'm going to assume at least some things can be made better.

Also, I need more sleep. That's probably going to be the hardest thing I try to do this year.

Compared to my posts for the last two years, this one seems weak and boring - but in a lot of ways, it's just as profound. I can say that I did do what I wanted to do in 2010 - I dove into life and did a lot more with myself than almost any other year I can remember. I went to Seattle twice, visited my best friend in Dayton, was a counselor at a pre-teen camp, and got a girlfriend. (Yeah, I know, mentioned some of this stuff already, but bear with me, okay?)

At the beginning of 2009, I was a disorganized mess - not so at the beginning of last year ot the beginning of this year. I've gotten rid of even more stuff, gotten more organized, and even paid a bit more on my debts (though, I still owe people and organizations massive cash).

I'm much better at getting things done and keeping myself together. I'm better at realizing when I've set unrealistic expectations for myself and taking things in small parts instead of just setting a crazy goal and assuming I'll be able to reach it without a plan.

I can honestly say that I've made progress and have actually managed to make some of major changes in my life that I've wanted to make over the past couple of years.

The truth is, now that I'm thirty, I really have no idea what I want to do with myself for the next thirty years. For the first time in years, I'm writing a New Year's post without feeling desperate, frustrated and feeling like I'm standing still. For the first time in years, I'm not looking back at the past year and saying 'I fail at life.'

That's worth something, I think.

I know there are things I want to do - game, write, hang out with people and continue to go out and do. I'm still living by the credo: "Fuck it. I win."

Even when doing something means I fail. I'm not as scared of failure as I have been. Hell, I've already submitted a story to a contest this year. If that's not a good start, I don't know what is.

Life isn't perfect, but it's pretty good. Why resolve to change what's working?

As for what I haven't accomplished - well, when I think about all the things I have done in the past thirty years, I realize that I have the ability to do twice as much in the next thirty. Many of the things I wanted for myself when I was 20 or even 25 are not the same things I want for myself now and I think I would have been unhappy to have accomplished some of the things I thought I wanted.

Like I said, I'm a little unsure of the things I want for myself now. I know I want to publish my writing, I want to write amazing stories, and I want to continue in the awesome relationship I'm in. I want to have a job like the one I have now - full of variety, challenges, and constant learning and growth. I want to keep expanding my horizons and I eventually want to go back to school - but when the time is right, not just when it seems convenient or easy or when everyone around me tells me I'm supposed to.

So the major goal for 2011? Figure out what my next big step is and start working towards it.

I will keep to what I said last year and live legendary.

And if you read through this without the cheese factor making you nauseous, congratulations.

Once again -

Fuck it. I win.

Oh. And happy new year.